Category: Season 2

"Ahem. Let this meeting now come to order," Commander Youlla announced from behind the lectern in Conference Room 11B. "I'm glad everyone could make it on such short notice, but seeing as not being busy is why we're all here--"

"Well, really, it's a diversion in the story, where--"

"Thank you, Dr. Exposition, but that's not necessary."

"But I--"

"We're on a tight schedule, here, Doctor," Youlla interrupted again. "We need to get moving as fast as we can."

"Sorry, sir."

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There was no time to waste. Captain Clerk, Lt. Wharf, and a couple of Redshirts beamed over to the garbage scow and quickly made their way to the bridge, where Cliff Hanger had just stunned Captain Safeway, and was about to pick her up and carry her away.

"Don't even think about it, Mr. Hanger," Clerk said, brandishing his phaser. "I'm not going to let you do anything to my gir-- I mean my former-- uhh... I mean to a Starship Captain!"

"No such doing!" Cliff yelled back. "This is no concern of yours. This is between me... and my wife Barbara!"

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Captain's Blog, Stardate... um... does anybody have a watch? I left mine back on the... oh, never mind. Anyways, we have just rescued Captain Safeway from certain kidnapping by a man whose name I dare not utter, as it will cause the season to end abruptly. We were just about to leave for starbase Deep Space Seven-Eleven when it was reported to me that the engines won't start. I am going down to Engineering to try and figure out the source of the problem.

"Engineering, please," the Captain said as the elevator doors closed.

"What are you gonna do?" the elevator replied. "You made a D in Basic Engineering Concepts."

"Hey... what are you doing reading my Academy transcripts?"

"What can I say, Captain... an elevator gets bored sometimes."

Note to self: cut off the Elevator's access to main memory banks. "Anyways, not that it's any of your business, but I'm going down there to see what's wrong, and oversee the process of resolution. Now get a move on; we've got to get to the starbase ASAP."

"Alright... I guess that's what you're here for."

The elevator began moving.

"The incident with the antacids and the hockey sticks was pretty funny."

"Yeah, that was a pretty good pra-- Stay outta my personal files!"

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"Pete and RePete beamed down to a planet. Pete was a redshirt security officer. Who beamed back up?"

Commander Klaa'ck sat back in the Big Comfy Chair and mulled over Whatsisname's question. It didn't take long to come up with a logical answer. He answered confidently, given the statistically probable outcome of the theoretical mission.


Whatsisname smiled, and started again. "Pete and RePete beamed down to a planet. Pete was a redshirt--"

"Lieutenant," Klaa'ck interrupted. "You have already told me that part of the story. It is not logical for you to say it again verbatim, especially since I responded to your query."

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Episode 32: Gearing Up

"Captain, you get out of that room this instant!"

Clerk knew he wasn't going to win this battle. Janet Rind had 20 years of yeoman experience, and she wasn't going to back down now. She had dealt with far more obstinate captains than him to give up this easily. None of his excuses worked: "I'm doing a crossword puzzle", "Lt. Ethel says I need more 'quiet time'", "Oh, come on, they're not gonna be here for another three hours", nothing. He was defeated, and he knew it.

He finally emerged from his room in a slightly higher state of dishevelment than normal, but Rind was unfazed.

"I hope you're not looking for sympathy, Captain, because I'm fresh out," she said in her time-tested deadpan.

"Well, pity, really," he replied, in a futile attempt at a comeback. "But whatever, let's get it started."

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