Episode 35: The Party of the First Part-Vulcan

Captain’s Blog, Stardate: Party Time! I can’t believe it! I never thought this day would arrive. As of today, our hybrid First Officer, Commander Klaa’ck, is officially the first First… hmm, that sounds awkward… anyways, he’s the first First Officer to last longer than six weeks on the Secondprize! We weren’t sure he would make it, especially during the Percy Sludge situation, but still… this is a truly historic event! We’d been planning a party just in case, so now we get to actually throw it for him! As long as he doesn’t throw it back at us, we’ll be okay. I think.

Captain Clerk took his place among the officers in the dimly lit conference room, waiting for Klaa’ck to arrive. Of course, the First Officer had only been told that “he was needed in Conference Room 22B at 8pm”. Six weeks, of course, is not long enough to learn the idiosyncrasies of the Secondprize‘s crew, and that the fewer details you are given, the more concerned you should be about what you’re being called to do.

The only thing that Clerk was concerned about, however, was whether or not Klaa’ck’s fight-or-flight response (which for Klingons does not include the “-or-flight” part) would overrule his Vulcan Emotion Blocker.

Klaa’ck finally arrived at the conference room, and was immediately taken somewhat aback by the fact that the lights didn’t immediately turn on when he entered.

“This is odd,” he said. “They must be malfunctioning. Computer…”

Surprise!” the partygoers exclaimed as the lights suddenly turned on.

Other than slightly clenched fists, there was no measurable response from Klaa’ck.

Well, he’s not in Attack Mode, so we’re doing good so far.

“What is the meaning of this?” Klaa’ck finally said after a few moments of silence.

“It’s… a party!” Clerk said nervously. “We’re celebrating your having set the record for longest tenure of any First Officer aboard the Secondprize. To be honest, we were wondering if this day would ever get here. We’ve been hoping for several seasons now that we’d find the right guy, and we couldn’t be happier that it’s you!”

Logic dictates that at this point, Klaa’ck should inform them of his new assignment, but in evaluating the situation (in particular the excitement level of everybody else in the room), he felt it would be dishonorable to do so.

“Well… I suppose I can join in the festivities.”


The thing about potlucks on starships is that you never know what people are going to replicate. Nobody is limited to what’s local — one has an entire universe of possibilities. When Lt. Whatsisname suggested a potluck-style party (rather than the usual catered parties usually put on by Fleet officers), Clerk was understandably concerned. But since everybody agreed that Andorian, Illyrian, and Ba’ku cuisine were all out of the question, he finally agreed to it. The ship’s bylaws were appropriately amended.

“So… how does it feel to make history here?” Dr. Flüshaht asked as he sauntered up to Klaa’ck, who, of course, was duty-bound not to have either a good or bad time.

“Why do you ask questions which you know I can’t answer in any reasonable fashion?”

“Because I like to mess with people, Commander. That’s what I do.”

“As well as treat them for illness.”

“You say that like they’re separate activities.”

“Attention, everyone! Attention!” Clerk said via microphone from the front of the room, surrounded by a group of officers with forced smiles on their faces. “We’re going to sing a song in Commander Klaa’ck’s honor now.”

Once he gave the signal, the ad hoc quintet began:

For he’s a jolly good Vulcan,
and also a jolly good Klingon,
so he’s a jolly good fellow,
which none of us can deny!

Whether or not anybody but the Captain actually thought the song was a good idea was never really known. Nevertheless, the necessary level of applause ensued (that is, enough to where Clerk stopped saying “One more time!“). After the song’s conclusion, Clerk walked up and threw his arm around his First Officer, who mentally reminded himself of Fleet Regulation #41, which specifically forbids body slamming a starship captain upon reception of a side hug.

“Klaa’ck!” Clerk exclaimed. “It’s so good to have you here with us. I must say, I was skeptical at first, but you’ve gone far and above the call of duty!”

“And I must say it has been an honor to serve with you.”

“What, it’s not anymore?” Clerk said, laughing. “You joker! Well, let me know when it becomes honorable again! If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna get some more punch. Would you like some more?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“Coolio. Back in a minute.”

Klaa’ck sighed. He never liked human parties. The total lack of weaponry left him with nothing he was socially equipped to do.


A couple of hours passed, and the party was finally winding down. Clerk stood up again with the microphone. “No, no, it’s not a song this time. I just wanted to remind all of the Senior Officers that we have a mandatory meeting at 9am tomorrow in the Main Conference Room on Deck C. Every one of you is required to attend. No exceptions this time. Thanks.”

The Captain stepped down, and the rest of the room’s occupants breathed a sigh of relief.