Episode 62: It’s a Rap!

Captain’s Blog, Stardate: Season Finale. The trip to Andoria actually was fairly uneventful, contrary to expectations, and we all came away unscathed. That is, except for our Security Chief, Lt. Yarrrrr, who slipped on a small oil slick and fell and hit her head, putting her out of commission. As the Embassy medics took her away, she seemed frustrated, mumbling something about it “not being the way the contract was supposed to end” and her Academy loans. Women are weird. Anyways, I’m riding out the rest of the trip to Starbase Johnny 5 hoping absolutely nothing will happen.

“We’re here already?” Captain Clerk had barely sat down in his Ready Room when his navigator walked in and gave him the news.

“Aye, Captain,” said Lt. Eric with a smile. “I found a shortcut. We didn’t even have to go over Warp 4!”

Wait, how do you…? Never mind. Best not to ask questions. “Uh, good job. Have Kato no–”

“She’s already worked everything out. We even found a good parking spot!”

I leave the Bridge for five minutes and suddenly everybody goes into hyper-productivity mode. I get it, I get it.


Today was one of those days Yeoman Janet Rind was glad she invested in steel-toed boots.

“I know you can hear me in there, Captain.” Kick kick. “Your meeting is in 20 minutes.” Kick kick. “No, it isn’t optional.” Kick–

She almost slipped when the door opened, and a dressed, awake, spring-in-his-step Clerk emerged.

“Pick your jaw up off the floor, Yeoman,” the Captain said as he passed her by. “Our meeting is in 19 minutes.”

The pair walked briskly down the hall to Conference Room A. That they had gotten this room was a feat in itself, as it is generally booked solid 24/7, but the Crochet Club moved their weekly meeting to the Starbase this week. As they entered, Clerk noticed that it wasn’t crowded with his senior officers as he expected. Instead, there was just one person: a Vulcan who seemed vaguely familiar, but he couldn’t quite place him.

“This isn’t a senior staff meeting?” Clerk asked, turning to Rind.

“You never appreciate my writing.”

“Say what?

“I work so hard on those memos you never read.” Before he could reply with some sort of apology, she fired back. “Just kidding. I’m throwing ‘Lorum Ipsum’ in them now.”

Facepalm. “So what is this about, Your Royal Snarkiness?”

“This is a meet-and-greet with your new Security Chief, 2Vac.”

Clerk’s face lit up like a warp core breach. “Yes!thought I recognized you! I loved your All Phaserz on Me album!”

2Vac’s face, of course, didn’t budge. “It is agreeable that you are familiar with my body of work.”

“So what are you doing as a Fleet Security Officer?”

“The sales of my last couple of albums were not logical, so I had to find a more lucrative profession.”

Once a Vulcan, always a Vulcan. “Well, it’s good to have you here. Do you have any questions?”

“I have read all the necessary documents, and so, have no need of any extraneous information at this time.”

“Ohhhh-kay. Just gimme a buzz when you do.”

On his way out, 2Vac turned to the Captain and raised an eyebrow. “What exactly is a buzz, and–”

“Look it up under Tricorder Functions.” Clerk said without missing a beat.

“Thank you, sir.”

Rind couldn’t believe it. “Captain! How dare you mislead him like that?”

“What are you talking about? It’s there. I had Info put that in a couple of seasons ago.”

It was Janet’s turn to facepalm as Captain Clerk stood there and looked around for a few moments.

“You know, I always thought this Conference Room would be bigger. What a letdown.”