Episode 79: Like a Moth to an Old Flame, or: The Jokes We Met Along The Way

The ancient Earth tradition of drawing the short straw was one that the redshirts regularly did before away team missions, and the mission to Deep Space Pi was no exception. The group of all on-duty redshirts met and began the ritual. Crewman Ratzinger drew the straw in question, and immediately the others gave him a comically long drinking straw, and a milkshake so he’d have something to drink with it. Everyone exchanged high-fives and celebrated, giving him a proper send off before the mission. Ah, traditions!

Ratzinger met the two Admirals and Security Chief 2Vac in the transporter room, and immediately they were whisked away to the interior of Deep Space Pi. The first thing they did was check the settings on their phasers.

“Okay everybody,” Clerk said. “What’s everybody’s phaser set to? Mine’s on Stun.”

“Hmm,” said 2Vac. “Mine mysteriously seems to be set to Kill. How unfortunate and illogical. I will update my settings immediately.”

“This is weird,” said Admiral Safeway-Clerk. “Mine says Twelve.”

“Twelve?” Clerk asked. “Twelve what?”

“That’s just the thing, dear, it doesn’t say what. It just says Twelve.”

“We must ascertain the meaning of this setting,” 2Vac said, then looked around the room they were standing in. “Aim for that trashcan in that corner and fire your phaser at it.”

“Okay then,” Safeway-Clerk said nervously. “Here goes.”

She aimed at the trashcan and fired off a shot, hitting it dead center. Immediately it melted into a pile of goo. Everyone in the away team looked at each other nervously.

“Uhh…” Clerk said. “Let’s call that Melt. From now on, Setting 12 is Melt. Everyone got that?” The group nodded, and continued on their way. They walked into the station’s Promenade, only to find a normal level of activity for a Fleet station. “Let’s look at that map over there and see where the command center is.”

The group walked to the nearby kiosk, which contained a 2D representation of the station’s floor plan. The spot where they were standing was denoted by the phrase YOU ARE HERE. Together they studied the map.

2Vac spoke first. “It would seem our route to the command center is confusing and illogical. I recommend a tersely-worded email to the Fleet regarding a refit for the station.”

“One thing at a time,” said Clerk. “First let’s suss out this prank call business, and deal with the rest later. I think I understand how to get there. Everyone, follow me.”

Fifteen minutes later, they arrived at the door to the command center, and were just about to knock when the door opened, and they were faced with what all but Clerk thought was the Secondprize’s First Officer/Director of Operations, Info. Admiral Safeway-Clerk was just about to say hi when Clerk interrupted.

“You must be Jokes,” he said. “I’m told by a reputable source that this is all your fault.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jokes said, as seriously as he could. Soon, he started to snicker, which only confirmed in Clerk’s head that he was right. “And who might you be?”

Clerk stood tall. “I am Admiral Jimi Clerk of the Fleet ship Secondprize. I —“

“Secondprize?” the android asked excitedly. “You must know my brother! How’s he doing, might I ask?”

“He’s doing very well for himself. He’s second in command of the vessel, which is better than I can say for you. He told me you’re a never ending source of mayhem and really, really bad stuff. For that reason, by the power vested in me, I am now placing you under arrest.”

The feeling in the room was tense. One could hear a pin drop, if one were so inclined. Seconds ticked by slowly… until Jokes doubled over laughing. “That’s the best joke I’ve heard in months! Say it again!”

Clerk sighed angrily. “Listen here, you synthetic trickster. I don’t take orders from troublemakers like you.”

“Okay then, who do you take orders from?”

Safeway-Clerk stood forward. On her face was a look that could kill… or worse. “From me. Now, I don’t have the longstanding rapport with your brother like my husband does, so I have even less compunction about putting you away. So can it, got it?”

The mirth vanished from Jokes’ visage, to be replaced with a look of solemnity. He began to clap slowly, and did so for several seconds. “Well played, you guys. I still don’t know what you’re trying to arrest me for. I’ve just been cutting up with my homies here, so really it is you who should be dealt with harshly. So I suggest you beat it, unless you have a legitimate reason to detain me.”

“I’ll tell you this, Jokes,” Clerk said, in an attempt at keeping things from getting out of control. “Your ‘cutting up with your homies’ is costing the Fleet big time, and the higher-ups are incensed. So cut out your cutting up, ‘cause it just doesn’t cut it, got it?”

“Not gonna lie to you, whoever you are, but I have no idea what you just said. Listen, just go, and leave us alone, okay? We’re fine. If the suits get upset again, I’ll — Martin, what are you doing?”

While Jokes was beginning his threat, Commander Mark N. Martin had positioned himself between Jokes and Safeway-Clerk, and looked like he was ready to put the moves on his former girlfriend.

“Relax, man,” Martin said. “I gotta make up for lost time here. So, Baby Doll, what say you and I blow this popsicle stand and share some time together? What do you say?”

“Put a sock in it, Romeo,” Safeway-Clerk said as she brandished her secret weapon: her wedding ring. It shone brightly, especially since she knew what angle to hold it at, so that it caught the light just right. “I did what you thought — what I’m sure all of you thought — I’d never do… I got married. So I’d appreciate it if you’d treat me by my rank, which is Admiral, by the way.”

Clerk had been shot down enough times to know how bad it hurt, and this guy got shot down so hard it was audible. Clerk winced, and secretly wanted to comfort the guy. But seeing as he was the guy she married, he figured that wouldn’t go over so well, so he decided against it.

“Look,” Jokes said in the same tone of voice a used shuttlecraft salesman would use. “Let’s all let bygones be bygones, and get to the real issue at hand here.” He turned to a rather nervous officer standing nearby. “Bring in… the child.”